Gone From This World Far Too Soon: A Eulogy For My New Year’s Resolutions

Survived, among other things, by my total unwillingness to cook a giant batch of vegan coconut curry every Sunday night, in a slow cooker I have yet to purchase.

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woman at window
Photo, iStock.

Passed away peacefully on the afternoon of January 1, 2019 at the age of 36ish hours, after a brief battle with lethargy and indifference.

My new year’s resolutions are survived by my inexplicable inability to find time to read every night (despite devoting numerous 40-minute chunks of each day to the idiocy of Twitter); my total unwillingness to cook a giant batch of vegan coconut curry every Sunday night in a slow cooker I have yet to purchase and then freeze the leftover portions in eco-friendly glass Tupperware so I have lunch for the week; and my preference to creep local personal trainers named Kaylee with sun-dappled 8-packs on Instagram rather than actually contact them to inquire about rates.

Though my resolutions left this world far too soon, their life was fierce, full of purpose, and truly inspiring, briefly transforming me into someone who genuinely intended to start getting up an hour earlier every morning and become one of those women who meditate in a bay window laden with bohemian floor cushions before leaving for work. My resolutions had a zest for life that was undeniably contagious, but only because I was pleasantly drunk at Jess and Jason’s annual New Year’s Eve party and once again conflated vodka and optimism.

Their tragically short time on this earth will surely have a lasting impact, causing me to conduct a panic-stricken inventory of my entire life every December and solemnly vow yet again that this is the year I will learn Spanish, banjo, Spanish banjo, and that I will do all of these instead of watching Season 4 of Friends yet again whilst wrapped in six fleece blankets.

Cremation services will be held Sunday evening. Friends and family are invited to come over at 6 p.m. to watch me burn the pristine new whimsical pineapple notebook I bought last week to write out and track the progress of my resolutions.

In lieu of flowers, I will gratefully receive donations to my GoFundMe page, which I’ve set up to compensate for my failure to finally open an RRSP despite seven consecutive Decembers of pledging to do so.

“Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.”