Hi there, Bill Hader! You look like a certified smokeshow in your army green bomber. But I’m not here to tell you what any human with functioning retinas so obviously can see. I’m here to talk about my love for you. Here goes.
I’ve loved you since you towered over Amy Schumer in Trainwreck with that strapping, lean physique. (How tall are you anyways, like 7′ 2″?) I’ve been obsessed with your comedic talent since the first time New York City “correspondent” Stefon slid behind the desk on Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update” and told me about New York’s hottest club, Crease. And now, as an erstwhile hitman-turned-aspiring-actor in HBO’s new critically-beloved show, Barry, you’ve cemented your hunk status and the world at large seems to finally be catching on to what I’ve always known in my heart and loins: Bill Hader is patently, inarguably hot.
Case in point, this Twitter user, writer Allison P. Davis, who in a single tweet — six perfect words! 34 poignant characters! — made me feel fully understood for maybe the first time ever:
Bill Hader is a sexual orientation. https://t.co/iESklwk3lq
— Allison P Davis (@AllisonPDavis) March 27, 2018
Then, as if an entire office of women had been mining my innermost thoughts, I realized Davis was linking out to a beautiful tribute on The Cut about just how handsome Hader really is. It is a masterpiece, to say the least, and in the spirit of Stefon himself, it has everything: references to his vintage movie roles like Forgetting Sarah Marshall, navigating the confusing desire of wanting Stefon to talk dirty to you and all the ways Hader’s voice makes grown women cry. Don’t be shy, this is a safe, pro-Hader space.